This Is Why Negative People Can Make You Sick
Illustration by Witchy
“You cannot expect to live a positive life if you hang with negative people.” — Joel Osteen
Yesterday in the darkness of the late afternoon, I curled up in a comfy chair by the fire. Throwing a well-loved afghan over my lap, I was re-reading a favourite novel — Gone With the Wind. I thought I heard a knock at the door but it was so soft, I almost missed it.
Deciding to investigate, I peeled myself out from under the warmth of the afghan and found a glum Witchy standing outside in a light rain.
“Witchy! What are you doing out here? You usually come straight in!”
Ushering her into the kitchen and through to the parlour, I wrapped the afghan around her shoulders and sat her in the chair opposite mine.
“You stay by the fire where it’s warm. I’ll get some tea and you can tell me what’s wrong.”
Usually, Witchy spins her way into my cottage, excited and enthusiastic about even the littlest things. She follows me through my cottage like a duckling follows its mother, asking questions and sharing her adventures. It’s one of my favourite qualities in her. Watching her explore this strange, new (to her) world with childlike wonder and curiosity, I see everything through her eyes.
But not last night. She sat silently by the fire until I returned with cups of chocolate spice tea for both of us.
“Gosh, Witchy, what’s wrong? I haven’t seen you like this since you first arrived in England.”
“I don’t know,” she replied, flatly.
“Well, has something happened? Have you had some bad news? Did Enchantra say something you didn’t like?”
She and her beloved cauldron had been together for centuries, but Enchantra’s words of wisdom didn’t always sit well with the little witch.
“No. No. And no.”
“Do you feel ill?”
“No. Well, sort of.”
“Okay, let’s try this: What did you do today?”
“I got up and I ate some barley, nuts and berries for breakfast,” she offered, staring at the fire as she recalled her day. “I went outside and did Tai Chi. It was such a lovely morning in the woods.” She turned to look at me and said, “I love living there.”
“Yes, I can see why. Your sweet cottage is nestled into the trees and your little garden area is so lovely. What did you do after Tai Chi? Were you feeling okay then?”
“Oh, yes,” she brightened up instantly. “Enchantra and I went for a walk and found some goodies in the woods that she said would make a nice soup. With my magic being broken, I’m not sure I’ll ever get the hang of cooking. I miss just casting a spell and poof! Enchantra would have a meal for me.”
“Keep trying, Witchy. You’re doing well.”
“I am?”
“Well, you haven’t had to call the Fire Department for a while.”
“That’s true.”
“What else did you do?”
“Enchantra and I were having a lovely day. I was drawing some pictures — you know how much I love to do that — ”
“Indeed, I do.”
“ — and I was excited because I got a new pack of pencil crayons! I so happy I was even singing. It was an ancient song that we witches used to sing in the Transylvania Forest. It was nice to enjoy a happy memory from my time there after — well, you know…”
“Yes, Witchy, I do. What else happened?”
“Then my new friend, Nellie, came to visit. I told you about her, we just chatted for a few minutes while I was walking by the river a couple of weeks ago. I hadn’t seen her since then so I was excited to get to know her.”
“That sounds like fun. I know you’ve liked making new friends after everyone was so mean to you in the Forest.”
“Yes. So I invited her to have some of the soup I made with Enchantra and then we went for a long walk in the woods. I found out pretty quickly that Nellie is a talker. My goodness, Liberty, she hardly took a breath!”
“I know people like that, too. I suppose you could look at it as an opportunity to be quiet and see what you can learn.”
“I guess. I didn’t have much choice; there was no room to say anything anyway. Plus I started to feel kind of…off, I suppose.”
“Off?”
“I don’t know if Enchantra was right about the stuff she put in the soup because the more I walked with Nellie, the worse I felt.”
“In what way?”
“Well, I had been so happy and bouncy in the morning. And I was having such fun drawing and colouring my pictures. But as I walked with Nellie, I didn’t feel happy anymore. And I didn’t feel at all bouncy. In fact, I felt like my body weighed a million pounds. I hardly had the energy to walk.”
“That sounds unpleasant!”
“It was. But not as unpleasant as what Nellie has been going through. She talked a lot about how miserable her boss is to her, and there’s someone at work who makes her life miserable and picks on her. And her brother is miserable, always complaining to her about something.”
“That sounds…miserable.”
“Yes. She used that word a lot. At first, I tried to say some nice things. Like, maybe she could try talking to her boss or the woman at work and she kept telling me all the reasons why she couldn’t or how she had tried but it didn’t work.”
“You did the right thing, Witchy.”
“I don’t think so. She was still grumpy and unhappy. And then I started to feel…I’m not sure of the word in English…irritated, I think? Yes, irritated. Like a million tiny needles were prickling the inside of my brain. It was not nice. It made me feel kind of restless and jittery.”
“That’s a good way to describe feeling irritated, Witchy. Well done; your English is getting better all the time.”
“Thank you. That’s good to know. Anyway, the worse I felt, the more I couldn’t stand to hear about her miseries. My stomach had started to feel weird…queasy. Must have been the soup. So as we walked, I sort of steered us back toward my cottage.”
“That sounds awful, Witchy!”
“It was. I tried to distract myself from how sick I felt by trying to get Nellie to talk about happy things.”
“And…?”
“She didn’t even seem to notice I’d said anything. She just kept complaining. Finally, we got to my cottage and Nellie stopped talking about her miseries long enough to notice I didn’t look too good. I told her I wasn’t feeling well so she went home. I came straight here. I always feel better around you. And…actually, now that I think of it I’m feeling lots better.”
She smiled, her eyes bright as she sat up straight in her chair.
“That’s great, Witchy!”
“How can soup make me feel so awful and then suddenly I’m all right?”
“I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the soup.”
“It wasn’t?”
“Don’t think so.”
“Well, that was the only new thing in my day.”
“Not exactly. There was Nellie.”
“Nellie? What do you mean? I have other friends. That’s not new.”
“I know. I mean…did she talk about anything good?”
Witchy wore her “thinky” look for a moment. “Umm…no, I don’t think so.”
“Did she tell you anything that made her happy?”
More “thinky look” and then, “No.”
“Did she just grumble and complain to you all day about everything that’s wrong in her life?”
“Oh, yes! All day!”
“Was she willing to listen to you any time you tried to talk about happier subjects?”
“No. I tried to say the kinds of things I’ve learned from you and Enchantra. But every time I suggested anything, she had a reason why it wouldn’t work or said she’d tried and it hadn’t done any good. Maybe I said all the wrong things.”
“I’ll bet you said a lot of the right things.”
“But it felt like she wasn’t listening to me.”
“I’m sure she wasn’t, Witchy. That doesn’t mean you said the wrong things. It means she wasn’t ready or willing to hear them, or to take responsibility for her happiness and make her life better. She wants to stay stuck in her misery.”
“Why would anyone want to do that?”
“Oh, lots of people do that. They’re afraid of change. Or they’ve tied up their identities with being stuck and unhappy and they don’t know who they’d be without that. Or they need to blame someone else for their unhappiness because it’s easier than looking at their own part in how they got where they are.”
“That’s seems like a big waste of time.”
“You’re right. The thing is, Witchy, sometimes those people are so immersed in negativity they can’t even see it. They want to focus on everything that’s wrong, why something won’t work, can’t work, could never, ever work. They want to talk about everything they don’t have rather than feel blessed by what they do have.”
“That sounds like an unpleasant way to live!”
“It is. And I know because I had a tendency to be that way many years ago when I was quite young.”
“You? You were a negative person?” Her eyebrows nearly hit the brim of her hat.
“Not quite like Nellie, no, but it’s true, sometimes I could focus more on what was wrong than on what was right, or on the solutions that could help me get where I wanted to be.”
“Wow. I had no idea.”
“I didn’t have any support. I didn’t know any better. And bad things kept happening so it got harder to keep hoping for something better. I did it, but it wasn’t easy. I’ve worked hard to get where I am. Just like you’re doing. I’m so glad I stopped being so negative. It can make us sick in lots of different ways. We’re not designed to tolerate negativity and if we’re drowning in negative energy like that, it can have a terrible impact on our lives. And it can even affect everyone around us.”
“You mean…being around Nellie made me sick?”
“Yes, Witchy, especially because you’re so used to being around positive people and you do lots of things to put positive energy in your life. So you would feel it more than many others. Same for me. I can’t cope with listening to unnecessary complaining and negativity because I don’t allow those influences in my life.”
“Oh, no! What about all those times you’ve listened to me when I’ve had problems and I’ve been sad? Did I make you sick?”
“No, of course not. That’s different. I’m happy to listen to your problems and help you find a way to solve them and keep moving forward. You’ve had plenty of tough times and so have I. Both of us know what it’s like to suffer and have bad luck and everything feels unfair.”
“So what’s different about Nellie?”
“Here’s the simplest way to explain it. Did you feel like Nellie was willing to hear anything helpful that you shared today?”
“No.”
“Did you feel like she wanted to be happy?”
“No. She just wanted to talk about all the reasons why she isn’t.”
“That’s the difference. You and I keep believing things can be better. We keep looking for ways to make that happen. It’s like when you listen and take on board the things I say, or that you’re learning from other sources, too. The Negative Nellies in the world just want to talk about everything that’s wrong and they have a negative impact on everyone around them, too. It’s not much fun to listen to that for any length of time.”
“I sure didn’t want to spend another minute with Nellie today! I felt so awful, I had to get away and I didn’t even realise she was making me sick!”
“Maybe she’ll have gone away and will be thinking about the things you said, Witchy. Maybe some of it will sink in and she’ll begin to realise she could be a lot happier if that’s what she wants.”
“I hope so, Liberty. I know life can be hard but it can also be so good. I would love it if she could see that.”
“Me, too, Witchy.”