Here’s Why Waiting For Apologies Will Make You Miserable
Illustration by Witchy
Yesterday afternoon, I dropped in on Witchy at her adorable cottage in the woods.
“Would you like to go for a walk?” I asked on entering her tiny kitchen.
“I guess so.”
Usually exuberant and bubbling over with enthusiasm, her half-hearted reply and droopy demeanour meant something was wrong.
“What’s the matter, Witchy? You seem sad.”
“Well, I’m not exactly sad. Just…not happy.”
“Did you and Enchantra have a little disagreement?” Witchy didn’t always take too kindly to her wise cauldron’s advice. At least, not until she could set her stubbornness aside and see that Enchantra was right. Again.
“No. She’s out gathering mushrooms and herbs and other things so she can make our dinner. You can stay if you want. There’s always extra. Well, unless I cook. Then there’s a burnt pile of inedibleness. I wish my magic still worked.”
“I know you do, Witchy. But I thought you said you were getting better at learning how to cook without it.”
She sighed and rolled her eyes. “I guess. Yes. A little. Anyway, you’re welcome to stay for dinner. And it won’t be a burnt pile of inedibleness.”
“Thanks, Witchy, I’d love to. Shall we go for a walk in the woods while you tell me what’s wrong?”
Closing the door behind us, she linked her arm in mine as we set off down the path behind her cottage. “I don’t know why, but today I can’t stop thinking about the awful things that happened to me in the Transylvania Forest. I keep remembering all my friends laughing at me when I was so embarrassed. And that pinhead boyfriend of mine, Vladimir the Vampire…dumping me when I needed him most.”
“I know how much all of that hurt you, Witchy. They should have been supporting you after what happened, not laughing at you. But that was quite a long time ago. Why are you thinking about it now?”
“I don’t know. Sometimes, those old memories just come up and it’s like I’m back in the Forest and I never left. I can hear the other witches laughing. I can see them pointing. I remember Vladimir acting like he wished he’d never met me. And it hurts all over again.”
“You know you can’t change what happened…”
“I know. But I can’t help remembering, Liberty. It was the worst time I ever had in all my centuries.”
“I understand. But remembering only makes you feel bad. It doesn’t do any good at all.”
“It just feels like it isn’t finished.”
“What do you mean, Witchy?”
“It feels like it was left in the middle of an argument that they wouldn’t finish.”
“Well, you finished it. And in the best way possible. You left the Forest and moved here. You sent them a strong message about not tolerating their intolerable behaviour.”
“I did?”
“Yes! You did!”
“I thought I was just running away.”
“I don’t think so, Witchy. You told me a long time ago that you realised there was nothing for you there anymore, and that you would never be happy. You found out your friends weren’t really your friends. And you decided to find a better life somewhere outside the Forest.”
“Yes. That’s true. Enchantra and I talked a lot about it back then and she helped me see all of that.”
“So you didn’t run away from anything. You walked deliberately and bravely into a new life.”
“So why do I keep thinking about the old one? Especially the parts of it that hurt so much?”
“Because it isn’t finished in your heart.”
“Hmm. Is that why I wish they would have apologised?”
“It’s the other way around. You wish they would have apologised and that’s why it’s not finished in your heart.”
“But if they had, I would feel better.”
“Would you?”
“Yes…I think so?”
“Why are you hesitating?”
“Because I hear a Liberty Lesson coming on.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Well, I suppose you’re right but let’s just call it a bit of enlightenment. A sharing of information that could be helpful.”
“Okay, should I strap myself in?”
“I don’t know. That depends on what you do with what I’m about to say. The thing is, Witchy, apologies don’t really change anything.”
“Yes, they do! They make me feel better!”
“So if someone says ‘I’m sorry’ to you, that helps? You can put the incident behind you and move on?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, let’s say Vladimir the Pinhead Vampire found out where you are and sent you a beautifully written apology.”
“Oh, yes! Let’s say that!” Witchy clasped her hands together and grinned broadly.
“All right. So he sends an apology and you feel better about the awful way he treated you. Now you can carry on with your life and be happy again, is that right?”
“Oh, yes! I like this game!”
“And then two years later, you find out he lied. He didn’t mean it. He just said it because you wanted to hear it.”
“That’s just mean! I would be so angry!!
“And would you go back to hurting over the initial issues?”
“Maybe. Yes, probably.”
“Why?”
“Because he didn’t mean what he said!”
“But you would have spent two years feeling happier and not thinking about how he hurt you. It would have been put in the past because you would have decided to let it go. Why would you choose to hurt about it again?”
“I wouldn’t choose that!”
“Oh, yes. You would. If you decided that a sincere apology was required in order for you to be happy, you’d be doing exactly that. And it means you’re putting your happiness in his hands.”
“But I want him to be sorry for what he did!”
“Then you’re holding yourself hostage.”
“What do you mean? I can’t do that! I don’t even know how to tie myself up! And what’s that got to do with anything anyway?”
“Not that kind of hostage, Witchy. I mean emotionally. You’d be keeping yourself in a prison of your own making. I mean, in your mind.”
“Because I want him to be sorry?”
“Yes. You can’t control him or anyone else. You can’t make them feel sorry for the awful things they do. And the more you hang onto feeling angry or hurt and wanting that apology, the more you’re prolonging the misery. Let me ask you this: If you were to ring him — ”
“He doesn’t have a phone. There are no phones in the Forest.”
“All right, let’s try this: Can you imagine seeing him and saying, ‘Vladimir, you know all those awful things you said and did to me back in the Forest? The ones that hurt me so much? I want you to do the same things to me 17 times every day for the rest of my life.’ Would you say that to him, Witchy?”
I thought her eyes would pop out of her head.
“Of course not! That would be dumb!”
“Well, that’s pretty much what you’re doing every time you choose to think about what he did and let yourself feel hurt about it. You might just as well pick up a baseball bat and slam yourself in the head with it several times every day. You wouldn’t do that, would you?”
“That would be even dumber.”
“Indeed, it would.”
“But if he doesn’t apologise — or any of the others either — and if I just forget about it and get on with my life, isn’t that like saying what they did was okay?”
“No. They don’t really care whether or not you’re remembering or hurting. They’ve moved on with their lives. You’d never have got them to admit they did anything hurtful anyway, right?”
“Well…yes…that’s true.”
“So why should you let those nasty people ruin the rest of your life? They’re off laughing and having fun together and getting on with their lives. They’re not concerning themselves with you feeling hurt.”
“That doesn’t feel very good either.”
“I know. But it’s the truth. The thing is, you get to decide what occupies your thoughts, Witchy. And your thoughts are responsible for how you feel. If you want to feel better and be happier, you have to decide to stop thinking about old hurts. You’ve got to stop dwelling on things that cannot be changed or resolved. It’s a complete waste of your time and energy. And even if Vladimir apologised till he was as blue in the face as you are, you could still decide to hold onto your anger.”
“I could?”
“Yes. And that happens quite often. Pain is not erased and trust is not rebuilt just because people say they’re sorry.”
Witchy was silent for a few minutes as we continued walking through the quiet woods. Finally, she spoke.
“I don’t feel very good when I remember those awful days. I want to be happy again.”
“Then focus on that, Witchy. Every time you think about the past, you can let go of those thoughts and choose to look ahead at the life you’re building for yourself. Focus on the good things you’ve already got. Think about how excited you are about seeing your dreams come true.”
“Oh, yes! I’m very excited about that!”
“Good! Take back your power. Stop needing something from others before you can be happy. That’s a recipe for disaster.”
“Wait, did we just start talking about how the Fire Department demanded I take cooking lessons?”
“No, Sweetheart.”
“Because none of those recipes said ‘disaster’ on them.”
“I know.”
“But that’s what happened anyway. I wish my magic still worked. All those centuries of adding a little of this and a sprinkle of that into Enchantra and poof! A wonderful meal. Now? Oh, dear. It works better when I leave it to her to do by herself. Nothing blows up or catches on fire.”
“But you won’t learn anything that way.”
Witchy sighed heavily. Still having her arm linked in mine, she squeezed a little tighter and put her head on my shoulder. “I know.”